maintaining sobriety February 5, 2008

my sobriety to date is about 7 months. i don’t think i have ever gone this long without drinking since i was 18. Surprise surprise. there’s a poem i was going to send to my parents, because in the midst of all this, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, i’ve been struggling with maintaining my sobriety on my terms, and no one else’s. I’m not sure if anyone in my family really understands what i’m going through, i don’t even understand it at times, but i do know that i have made it this far, and for today i want to continue to move forward with healing, and staying sober. Here is my poem:

7 months ago I drank.

7 years ago I drank.

Hidden in the darkness I drank.

Today I don’t drink

it is my choice.

The journey to get here was

hard,

long and at times

Difficult.

I don’t need your acceptance, or approval,

I know you love me, and that’s all that counts,

I’ve never gone 7 months without drinking

There was a time where I didn’t go 7 days.

I wanted you to know that today is a special day

I’ve made it past the 6 month mark, and I’m not looking back.

I’m happy that I never made it to the point where I ruined family ties,

I didn’t need to get there,

 I already knew there was a problem.

I don’t blame anyone for my drinking but myself.

 It was my choice, and that is what I’m learning

We all have choices to make, and now I’m choosing to remain a non drinker.

Love January 14, 2008

Love is a funny thing. People always told me that I would find it in the most unusual places.  What I didn’t realize was that they were right. I found my man.  He’s not perfect, but I’m not either. He makes my heart warm, and holds me when things are tough. That’s all i want, and all i need.  I care about him, and he makes me laugh. The night we met, I instantly knew we were going to be good together. He made me laugh, really laugh, when i was in the dark. I can get through this, I know i can.

                                                                                                   

more about anger November 24, 2007

disappointments churn as old anger rises

being let down

feeling five years old

breathing in deep

it passes,

and the day goes on like any other

Giving Thanks November 21, 2007

As millions of others in the country are thinking this week, I too am thinking about what I have to be grateful for. This is a hard one this year. But to actually think about it makes me realize I have a lot more to be grateful for now than I thought I did even a few short weeks or months ago. A lot has happened to me personally this year. Or really should I say that I have made a lot happen for me. I think that most of the things this year was necessary, but painful. I go in and out of thinking that this is the time that I’m starting over, and things will turn around. So in the end I am grateful for all the people who kept me safe, loved, and looked after. I’m grateful I got to see my new nephew Bodhi, and got to spend more time with Kai, Aidan, and Alayna. I’m grateful for breathing in and out, and I’m grateful for you reading my message. Peace and light this Thanksgiving.

is anger simple? November 20, 2007

Is anger simple? I think it is one of the simplest emotions that a human has. BUT, it’s not socially appropriate. I’m angry at the world today. I’m angry about so many different things that I can’t describe them all. So I will describe one. I am pulling the last of the tomatoes out of my garden. The roots are under the underground fence that my dad put in to keep the moles out. He failed to figure that the roots of his plants would get intertwined and be harder than hell to pull out. Another example of my anger today is that I’m angry at the grilled cheese that I made. I put too much better on it, and when I tried to flip it over I burnt my finger. Mostly though I am angry that I’m in the situation I’m in, and angry that I have to put up with it. Maybe being angry is better than being depressed, who knows.

why can’t it be like this? November 18, 2007

Ever watch a 3 year old eat ice cream? Or strawberries? It’s watching the pure ecstasy of the taste. It’s life. The joy inside the eyes of the young child as the ice cream touches the tongues taste buds and the delight when the brain recognizes that pleasure. Pretend for a moment you are 5. You are swinging on a swing at your school. You finally are able to pump a little by yourself, and the wind is crashing against your face. Your hair is whoosh… in your face… whoosh… out of your face. Your stomach jerks up and down. You close your eyes, and you are flying. Just for a moment you feel like you are flying.
Why can’t adults have that??

thoughts about blogging November 17, 2007

This might be the first time I would ever think to publish my own ideas out there for everyone to see, however I think that I might actually do some good to post my thoughts and concerns. I am sure that those of you that I told about this blog know why I’m doing this. But in case you don’t I will try to say why in as simple a way that I possibly can. I think I have a desire to be heard. I want to be heard, and I want to be able to share with my family, friends and strangers the kinds of things that I am going through. This is the best way I can do this. It’s the safest way too. So this is a start. Look for more soon, maybe even more today. Thanks, and peace.