June 11, 2008

Patience
practice
world
love
myself
patience

Practice
patience
world
love
myself
patience

World
patience
practice
love
myself
patients

Love
patience
practice
world
myself
patience

Myself
patience
practice
world
love
patience

EXPERIENCES May 28, 2008

In this darkness
and despair
there is no help
to be seen
I hate this life
I’m living

The termites in my
dreams are investing
my soul eating
up all that is good
all that is light

In the midst
of my darkness
there is only pain
and despair

The skin I hurt with
my own nails
stings to keep me
feeling alive
I don’t want
to do this

The darkness is here
in this deep abyss
where light cannot
exist

The creatures are
frightening and
the noise
is null

Where are the shallows
where the coral glow?

The last hope for
the demons to
go away

Where do I turn
when I feel them
no more?

How did I get
this far into
the darkness

Where will the
light shine
in?

Will it be soon
or will the
shocks continue

The gloom that
follows me is ever
present

Even yesterday the
fog lifted but the
sky was still
cloudy

Loud voices
calling my
name

They are calling
to end the
pain

When I am weak
I hear them more
concede to them
and they ROAR:

STOP THIS
SUFFERING!

When the pain is
deep and I can’t
let go

I see myself
lost and
wandering

In a room full
of darkness
and the thoughts
ROARING.

Today is full
of hope
I never dreamt
that this day would
come

I see myself and
wonder if this
will last

But if I can
hold on to this
then I can be
anyone

Nausea and dizziness
on this day,
but my mind is
clear and the
negative thoughts
have gone away

There is some doubt
that this will last
holding on to the
moment is what
I need

Woke up early
in a dark gloom
waiting to get shocked in
that bright
blue room

The drugs they
give me darken
my eyes and
while I’m asleep
my brain becomes
alive!

I wake up waiting to
feel some relief
but today was just
like the other ones

The tell me
to wait they
tell me soon
they tell me
to have hope
I say BOO HOO!

I’m sad today
I’m sad for tomorrow
I’m sad for Sunday
and Monday and I’m
sad at the moon

I hate this darkness
that encapsles my
soul. I try to show
them I am bright

I show them my
intellect and desire
to move forward

I show them my
hurt and my
broken heart

What do I do when
I show them my doom
that any treatment
won’t open the room
full pf hope and
dreams and love

How can I break
through this door
when I can’t find
the axe

Where do I go
to help this pain
where do I go
to laugh in the rain?

Is it here?
Is it there?
Is it someplace
I haven’t been yet?

Do I get out a map
to find my way?
do I figure out the
path on my own?

Tell me where to go
I need to know I feel
lost and broken
and can’t be found.

The darkness
opens up
and I feel
in need

The light shines
through the
thickened weed

Dandalions
thistles
and broken
thorns

I come
right here
to feel forlorn

This pain
I feel is getting
old

Where do the
tulips and roses
grow?

Another day
to examine
my faults

Another moment
to feel my
heart

Breaking with
the thoughts
of being me

Losing the
effect of
happiness

In sacrificing
myself
to live within

I loathe myself
when I feel this
pain

The pain I feel
inside is
immeasurable

There isn’t anything
to stop it

I don’t understand
what to do with
my heart that
hurts

It won’t let
up and it won’t
desert me

The heartache
is horrid
the pain in my
chest is something
I can’t stand

I want relief,
but don’t know
of anything
to relieve it.

Feeling ignored
being forgotton
its something
I feel everyday

Looking around
at those around
me, I feel stranded
in my own way

What should I do
to feel better?
where should I
go for help?

Wanting to
be loved and
have hope
surround me,

I have no
strength to
stand strong.

Being ignored
and false hope
this journey will
never end

When I feel so sad
and hopeless
where do I go
for show?

Waiting for answers
for the unknown
waiting to walk out
of this doom

I wait for hope
and joy
I wait till I can’t
wait no more

When will there
be peace and
when will the
sun shine, and
when will the
place end with
hope and dreams

My Journey

In and out
of safe places
never knowing
the outcome

Art, occupational
and music therapy
all meant to
do some good

Step by Step
I walk a path
not knowing
where it will end

In the dark
I sleep and
dream of better
times to come

Now I get shock
treatments to
rewire my brain

But I’m impatient
for the results

Will I live past
next week? I’d like
to think so.

But if this
pain still continues
that will probably be
false

I need to feel
some help and hope
and love from
inside me

Where do I get
this light to
shine to go
beside me?

Where do I
look for the
sunshine that
is behind me?

I feel like it
will never come
and the love I give
will hide from me

Will I ever
feel happy
and full of
hope, my
heart and brain do not
think or feel so.

Headaches roar
Heartaches hurt
my life has
become beserk

Outward I look
for some relief
but the darkness
is what I seek

Darkness is
hell and never
rests and the
world does not
stop

I want some sun
to shine on me,
but I don’t ever
see so.

I wait for tomorrow
for another shock
will this one work?

On Friday and Monday
my last two
where do I go from here?

I want some peace
inside my brain
inside my heart and
soul

Where do I go
to seek this
peace when the
pain is so full?

Walking alone
in the world I
feel the emptiness
and the sorrow

Tell me please
why I can’t
move on, and
the ocean is
so shallow

Sometimes in
my deep sorrow
the world is flat
and dull

I don’t see the
world that is
bright and I
don’t see the
sun shine

I imagine a
world full of
hope, and dreams
and happiness

But in my world
there is nothing
but sadness and
disappointment

I wish for tomorrow
for my world to
be hopeful, for the
time to turn forward
and for my love to
unfold

Headache
heartache
lifeache

Wish I
were
not
here

Love to
disappear

blank page March 14, 2008

There’s nothing like a blank page
to write your thoughts
tell your stories
and express
your dreams

The art of knowing
and the unknown
can unravel
here
on this blank page

Soon…
it will be filled with
the darkest, sweetest
words, to tell
your story of
life, and love, and
even
forgiveness

Even then you will be
left
behind with
more words
unfolding in your mind
that is forever thinking,
analyzing,
contemplating

With one thought
leading to another,
then another
this space that was once
empty
is now filled

maintaining sobriety February 5, 2008

my sobriety to date is about 7 months. i don’t think i have ever gone this long without drinking since i was 18. Surprise surprise. there’s a poem i was going to send to my parents, because in the midst of all this, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, i’ve been struggling with maintaining my sobriety on my terms, and no one else’s. I’m not sure if anyone in my family really understands what i’m going through, i don’t even understand it at times, but i do know that i have made it this far, and for today i want to continue to move forward with healing, and staying sober. Here is my poem:

7 months ago I drank.

7 years ago I drank.

Hidden in the darkness I drank.

Today I don’t drink

it is my choice.

The journey to get here was

hard,

long and at times

Difficult.

I don’t need your acceptance, or approval,

I know you love me, and that’s all that counts,

I’ve never gone 7 months without drinking

There was a time where I didn’t go 7 days.

I wanted you to know that today is a special day

I’ve made it past the 6 month mark, and I’m not looking back.

I’m happy that I never made it to the point where I ruined family ties,

I didn’t need to get there,

 I already knew there was a problem.

I don’t blame anyone for my drinking but myself.

 It was my choice, and that is what I’m learning

We all have choices to make, and now I’m choosing to remain a non drinker.

Love January 14, 2008

Love is a funny thing. People always told me that I would find it in the most unusual places.  What I didn’t realize was that they were right. I found my man.  He’s not perfect, but I’m not either. He makes my heart warm, and holds me when things are tough. That’s all i want, and all i need.  I care about him, and he makes me laugh. The night we met, I instantly knew we were going to be good together. He made me laugh, really laugh, when i was in the dark. I can get through this, I know i can.

                                                                                                   

family November 26, 2007

I have a couple different families. Both are equally important. Both are important in my own growth, and life. Sometimes though, families can set a person back and you can get stuck in what was, instead of seeing what will be. Holidays bring all this out. It’s inevitable. Even in the families you aren’t born into. She’s the funny one, or she is the smart one, or she is the screw up… I just wish for one year we can put all of this behind us, and just be together, and celebrate that.

more about anger November 24, 2007

disappointments churn as old anger rises

being let down

feeling five years old

breathing in deep

it passes,

and the day goes on like any other

Giving Thanks November 21, 2007

As millions of others in the country are thinking this week, I too am thinking about what I have to be grateful for. This is a hard one this year. But to actually think about it makes me realize I have a lot more to be grateful for now than I thought I did even a few short weeks or months ago. A lot has happened to me personally this year. Or really should I say that I have made a lot happen for me. I think that most of the things this year was necessary, but painful. I go in and out of thinking that this is the time that I’m starting over, and things will turn around. So in the end I am grateful for all the people who kept me safe, loved, and looked after. I’m grateful I got to see my new nephew Bodhi, and got to spend more time with Kai, Aidan, and Alayna. I’m grateful for breathing in and out, and I’m grateful for you reading my message. Peace and light this Thanksgiving.

is anger simple? November 20, 2007

Is anger simple? I think it is one of the simplest emotions that a human has. BUT, it’s not socially appropriate. I’m angry at the world today. I’m angry about so many different things that I can’t describe them all. So I will describe one. I am pulling the last of the tomatoes out of my garden. The roots are under the underground fence that my dad put in to keep the moles out. He failed to figure that the roots of his plants would get intertwined and be harder than hell to pull out. Another example of my anger today is that I’m angry at the grilled cheese that I made. I put too much better on it, and when I tried to flip it over I burnt my finger. Mostly though I am angry that I’m in the situation I’m in, and angry that I have to put up with it. Maybe being angry is better than being depressed, who knows.

why can’t it be like this? November 18, 2007

Ever watch a 3 year old eat ice cream? Or strawberries? It’s watching the pure ecstasy of the taste. It’s life. The joy inside the eyes of the young child as the ice cream touches the tongues taste buds and the delight when the brain recognizes that pleasure. Pretend for a moment you are 5. You are swinging on a swing at your school. You finally are able to pump a little by yourself, and the wind is crashing against your face. Your hair is whoosh… in your face… whoosh… out of your face. Your stomach jerks up and down. You close your eyes, and you are flying. Just for a moment you feel like you are flying.
Why can’t adults have that??